O’Brien’s Rules for Drinking

1. Never start with cheap beer. Cheap liquor is okay.
2. Never buy a girl a drink who just walked in, unless you know her, and she’s not all that pretty.
3. Drink lagers during the summer, ales in spring and porters in winter. Fall is tricky, depends where you live.
4. For expensive booze, no more than 4 ice cubes.
5. Don’t use lingo when describing liquor, beer and wine. No one wants to hear about the specifics. It’s okay to say: “It’s crisp and refreshing.” “Tastes clean. Flavor’s good.” “It’s shit, but I’m hydrating.” Never mention nutmeg, plums, cherries, persimmons and especially truffles.”
6. Don’t ask about single malts and then say Johnnie Walker Red is your favorite Scotch.
7. No one wants to hear about your bouts with Jack, Jim, Johnnie and Jose.
8. Jose Cuervo isn’t premium, but it’s not shit, either.
9. “It’s what I had in LA/NY/Miami/London/Puerto Rico” doesn’t make it cool.
10. When a good friend asks if you’re okay, it means you’re drunk.
11. When someone asks if you can drive, it means take a cab.
12. When someone says you should take a cab, it means you need to stop drinking and start thinking about how to get your car back the next day.
13. The bartender isn’t hitting on you.
14. The stripper is not going to fuck you… 95% of the time.
15. If she asks for premium booze, she’s a shill or scammer.
16. Prostitutes will buy you drinks, but it’ll eventually be with your own money.
17. All the good girls are home by 10 PM, which is good sometimes.
18. If you’re an athlete, rich or famous; you’re fucked. Don’t drink in public unless you’ve got people watching out for you.
19. Don’t drink with your high school sweetheart when you’re underage. It almost always ends up with a kid or two and divorce.
20. Never let her get the drinks (if she’s older than 23).
21 Always use protection with bartenders, especially if you have a job with health care. Unforeseen pregnancies are a bitch.
22. If she’s sipping hard liquor and laughing at your jokes, you’re fucking her.
23. Red hair is an open invitation.
24. Never go out in groups of more than four unless it’s for someone’s birthday or a reunion setting.
25. Always drink with Canadians.
26. Don’t gamble with Asians who drink gin.
27. Beware of the Irish who drinks Yaeger.
28. Don’t trust Mexicans who refuse tequila.
29. Forties are okay when you’re 21. You have one year and that’s it.
30. Don’t drink around children, especially adult-aged children.