Mister Saechao’s Gambling Advice

Money always makes me happy, especially money that I win. And I’ll bet on just about anything.

How many seconds until the light turns green? Give me an over/under. Six seconds? I’ll take the over.

How many ladies will give me the red light tonight? I’ll take the over at 3.5.

How many super nice ladies will give me the green light? I’ll take the under at 1.5 if you give me 4 to 1 on my money.

I know self-confidence is attractive, but I’m not so attractive. You win some, you lose some. You know.

But, inherently, I make bets because winning brings me joy and bliss. The problem is losing is often accompanied by sadness and misery. Joy and sadness. Bliss and misery. I will always choose joy and bliss. (Ahh, Joy and Bliss. I miss you ladies already. I tipped okay, didn’t I?) And sometimes half a point throws sadness and misery into my life. An 80%-free throw shooter should always make the second half of the one-and-one. Damn you college basketball!

I know there are many of you out there in my situation. You’ve felt happiness and sorrow. But, I have fantastic news for you and just in time for the end of the college basketball season. You will never never ever ever feel bad about gambling again. Even if you lose. Read those words again. Yep, no typo there. I know. The wheels are still turning. How can that be, Mr. Saechao?

You follow one rule and one rule only.

Bet for the success of teams and people you hate.

(Think about it. Let it sink. Think about it. Cheers! Have a drink!)

If you want to play it safe, you make a small bet. Let’s say $5 with a friend (Not a bookie, and what bookie do you know actually takes a $5 bet?). Winning $5 is awesome and losing $5 won’t break you. Besides, if he’s a real friend (not a bookie), he’d take that $5 and buy you a drink after laughing at you.

“What’s the max I can bet?” you ask.

Now, this is the fun part. Watching a team (boxer, country, ex-lover) lose can be priceless if your hatred is strong. You have to figure out how much you want to see a team lose and how much you can actually lose. One of those criteria serves as your limit. So no matter how much you want to see the New York Yankees lose, you can’t bet more than you can bet.

Sometimes, you just have to find out that number through experience. But if you can’t celebrate a Duke loss because you lost $100, you really don’t hate Duke that much. But if Duke wins you $100, they just did you a favor.

The only repercussion I see is if these teams and people I hate just start making me money… Nah, money can’t buy my love. Well, not love in that sense.

You’ve always said, “I’ll pay ___ to watch ___ lose.” Well, here’s your chance to do it. I’ve already got money on Kentucky, the Seattle Seahawks and the Los Angeles Lakers (well, maybe not this year) winning their respective championships. And I’ve got money on Mayweather winning if he ever fights Pacquiao.

Happy betting!

Mister Saechao

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